Amy Krug

May 2003

Everyone wants love; that’s no secret. The problem, of course, is finding the right person to share your home and your secret Richard Simmons obsession. Sometimes, though, in the supreme injustice that is life, you DO find Mr. Right–but he tells you he’s married, gay, infected with a pesky VD, or not interested. Take heart–this does not mean that forging a meaningful emotional connection is impossible. Consider stalking him!

By stalking Mr. Right, you can keep him in your sights at all times, getting to know every intimate detail of his life–which is almost as good as being an intimate detail yourself. If you dedicate yourself to being his personal stalker, you’ll have something to do on those lonely winter nights–stare wistfully through his window and name your six unborn children!

But be careful–there are certain points about the fine art of stalking to consider.You want to make sure the stalk is executed effectively, but you don’t want to join the Kathy Bates ankle-smashing school of stalking.To keep things in perspective, here’s handy list of “Dos and Don’ts” for beginners.

Do drive by his house daily.

The drive-by is the most basic element of a stalker’s repertoire. Don’t be shy–drive by several times a day if the mood strikes you. Staking out his office or his gym are variations on the same theme, so they can be easily substituted. The whole point of the drive-by is to get to know his routine–take notes if it will help. In case of an investigation, it’s best not to give your notebooks obvious labels like “Joe’s Favorite Pornos,” “Joe’s List of Prescription Rash Ointments,” or “Ways to Torture Joe’s Ex-Girlfriend.”

Don’t hurt his pets.

Two words: Fatal Attraction. Stay away from the pet-maiming unless you want to end up with Glenn Close circa-1989 hair, bloody in the bathtub.What a seasoned stalker knows is that there is more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak–standing ominously outside the window with a boom box playing Japanese boy-band music while watching him microwave a Hungry Man Dinner is just as effective as leaving a boiled bunny on the stove. Subtlety is the key to success–don’t overdo.

Do back off when you hear the words “Restraining Order” or “Commitment Papers.”

Getting the law involved is only a hassle, and you also run the risk of being hauled off by the men in the white coats. Many people confuse a good, healthy stalk with some sort of neurosis or “treatable condition.” If, unfortunately, people start sniffing around and bantering about either of these two dreaded phrases, there are a few things you can do to alleviate the situation:

Destroy the evidence. Any notes you’ve made about the object of your affection, illicit pictures you’ve taken (or altered) of his house/car/family, mix CDs you’ve made labeled “Songs for Me and Joe’s Wedding Day–June 27, 2004,” or storyboards you’ve constructed about how’d you like to kidnap him and hold him captive for a weekend in the Poconos can be downright damming in court. Don’t be too obvious about it, though–holding a bonfire to burn the paraphernalia while you dance around naked performing a pagan love ritual can have its own problems. Best to quietly bury everything in the back yard.

Take up painting. L ook at what Van Gogh got away with–he cut off his own ear and sent it to his ex-girlfriend, and people still remember him for his art rather than his idiosyncrasies.You can attribute a lot of things to “creative instability”–it’s a nearly waterproof alibi. It helps to wear a lot of oversized jewelry and use the word “postmodern” as often as possible, just to reassure people of your standing as an artist.

Don’t lose faith–persistence pays!

In order to be a successful stalker, you have to have two things: a good pair of night vision goggles, and a lot of patience. Sure, it may seem like you’re doomed to forever lurk outside in his backyard hiding behind his garbage cans, but one day all your skulking will pay off. He’ll fling open the back door with a dozen roses and a bottle of wine, take you in his arms, and huskily whisper that you, of all his stalkers, are the most beautiful, creepy and unflagging. It may not be a fairy tale ending, but let’s face it–if you were Cinderella, you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

Stalking can be rewarding and effective if you follow these simple guidelines. Keep the violence in check, stay away from the long arm of the law, and be persistent, and all your dreams of you and Mr. Right may come true (except that one about the squirrels and the hot tub full of marshmallow fluff–nothing will ever make that dream come true, so erase it from your memory). If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again–there are always other fish in the sea, some who even have lax home security and unfrosted bathroom windows.

Amy Krug is an aspiring creative loafer who is working on her MA in Dayton, Ohio. She currently writes the monthly online column "The Flask Files" at HappyWomanMagazine.com and has been a regular writer at Backwash.com. Her favorite things to do are drawing, reading, and making fun of junior high-aged girls' shoes.
Contact her at s_green@yahoo.com.

Editor's note: (Amy, and all you folks who got it the first time, forgive me) but everyone knows this is humor, right? This advice is not meant to be taken as a real "how-to" in any way other than for humorous intent. (The Lawyers in my head made me put this here)
Kim